Saturday, May 21, 2016

when i thought i was a mango . . .

When I thought I was a Mango... 



“just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
in a most delightful way…”
 
                           Mary Poppins

“I ponder and I cannot ponder, yet I live and love.”

William Blake



On a warm sunny Wednesday in March, when the weather suited global warming to a tee, he took his small shopping buggy from the balcony and set out for the food bank. Only a few blocks  from his apartment, this particular food bank specialized in healthy items that came in containers ranging from plastic freezer airtight bags to small meat bearing styrofoam platters, cardboard boxes, foil wrappers, and glass jars. 

He always looked forward to eating the two or three miniature granola bars on his way home, after judiciously making his selection of mostly non-perishable goods. He  always marvelled at how something that appeared to be so nutritious - ‘Nature’s Choice’ - could come in such a shiny unnatural looking wrapper. If he saved enough of them he could turn them inside out and cover his bathroom wall with a glistening silver coating and then hang pictures of celebrities all over the wall, turning his latrine into a modest shrine for the silver screen.

In the waiting area at the food bank there was always a transparent, dome covered plastic tray filled with hot cross buns, danishes, brownies, cinnamon wedges, butter tarts, and assorted donuts of the delicious kind. They were all cut into bite-sized portions and had a crumbling nostalgic air about them that spoke of slightly better days. But they were delicious.There were metal prongs and napkins to keep the delicacies safe from germ warfare, and a large canister of hot coffee sat on a table nearby, with powdered milk and a box of sugar to help the medicine go down. 

He put his buggy beside his chair and went over to the reception desk to check in. Stating his name and answering one simple question was always enough. They never asked for ID because he had registered several years ago and was in the computer system. They trusted him. But he always took ID with him just in case. One would not want to be caught with their pants down and no conceivable way of identifying one’s self in such a welcoming atmosphere. The pants down metaphor seemed appropriate because he, and perhaps some others, were only eligible for this particular food bank because they had, through no fault of their own, been caught with their trousers to the floor one too many times.

The simple question the receptionist always asked was; “Do you have any pets?” He would pause for a second, considering what he might do with the jars of cat food or doggy kibble. Perhaps he could sell them, or mix them with a rich salty stew that would conceal their true identity? And then he would think better of his thrifty capitalist ways and reply, “No. But thank you.”

Then he would take one or two selections from the pastry tray, fill a styrofoam cup with coffee, add some powdered milk and a touch of sugar, and sit back down to wait until his fruit or vegetable was called. it wasn't a long wait, and the variety of colourful laminated fruit and veggie bearing cards made it fun;

Apples
Bananas
Blackberries
Cantaloupes
Dates
Fennels
Gingers
Jalapeños
Kiwi
Limes
Mangoes
Okras
Peaches
Pumpkins
Radicchios
Yams
Zucchinis

He would often arrive shortly after two. The bank was open from two until seven. By the time he arrived they would be as far along as Cantaloupes. He would receive a Fennels laminated card and wait until his group of three or four was called. Once, when he arrived earlier than usual, he was a Date, and knew that the usual gag would be played as soon as the Dates were called.

“Dates anyone? Any Dates?”



Inevitably someone would laugh and say something along the lines of, “I’d love to. Haven’t been on a date in ages.”

But on this particularly warm Wednesday in March he arrived well after two, missed the Dates, and thought he was a mango. He took his card, walked over to his chair, sat down and saw a familiar face in a wheelchair. Noticing that his close acquaintance also had a mango card he said, “I’ve never been a Mango before. I’m usually a Fennel.” His friend smiled but said nothing. Apart from the Dates, not much was made of the other fruits and vegetables in the area of small talk. So he just sat - sipping coffee and nibbling at the ragged corner of a hot cross bun - and waited for the Mangoes to to be herded down to the selection area.

Consumed by a commingling of good cheer and slight melancholy - a mixture of emotion that invariably held him somewhere between a subtle smile and a face that was holding back tears - he noticed that the attendant who was passing out the laminated cards looked quite agitated. He could overhear him explaining to an assistant that the fruit and vegetable cards were all mixed up, and that he was sending down all wrong groups in all the wrong order. 

How hard could it be to have noticed that, he thought, and just sort them properly, in alphabetical order. But it wasn’t his place to make any sort of suggestion as to how organizing principles might be applied in such a setting. So he sat patiently, watching the names of each fruit or vegetable come and go on the pixel board above the reception desk -  in the wrong order - wondering anxiously if his Mango would ever come up.

After several minutes had passed he went up to the desk and politely asked if his fruit had risen. The confused receptionist asked what fruit he was and when he said Mango, he told him to go ahead  - the Mangoes had already been called. So he left the reception area and walked briskly toward the stairwell to the bank. On his way he saw the assistant who had been taking the groups down the stairs to the area where the shelves of dry goods, and freezers filled with assorted frozen meats were kept. He looked at him, smiled, and said - “I think the fruits and vegetables got a little mixed up today. I was told to go ahead.” The assistant looked at his card and said, politely but somewhat abruptly - “No. I’ll call you when it’s time.” 

A little bewildered, he walked back to the waiting area - and waited. As he sat, for about five minutes, he kept looking at the pixel board and could not make head nor tail of how things were being re-organized. The mangoes had already gone and the order seemed to have been re-established on the pixel board. And then, after several seconds of low level anxiety marked by his signature tendency to fluctuate between a faint smile and suppressed tears, he looked at his laminated card, and much to his surprise, and embarrassment, he was not a Mango at all. He was a Pumpkin. Of course Cinderella immediately popped into his mind with the change from M to P. Suppressing images of little white mice sewing spectacular gowns and singing bibbidy bobbidy boo, he made a quick decision not to dwell upon the cliched fairy tale proportions of the mixup. Instead he sat and waited patiently until the Pumpkins were called, during which time he pondered, til he could not ponder, how this could have happened. He was certain he had been a Mango. And then, at the height of his low level anxiety, he looked at the camera option on his cell phone, remembering that he had taken a photo of his card soon after arriving, so he could write  a little story about this particular food bank one day - about the delightful and efficient alphabetical  manner in which they organized their patrons  into groups of fruits and vegetables.

Yes, Indeed. Cameras seldom lie. He had always been a Pumpkin, and when he chatted with the close acquaintance in the wheelchair, and noticed that his card said Mango, he must have simply assumed he was one too because the colours of the cards depicting the very different fruits were so similar. 


It all made perfect sense, because he knew, in his heart, he had always been a blighted princess. So it seemed fitting, after all this time - some sixty odd years - that he would one day find himself, at the PWA food bank (strictly serving a community of people living with HIV and AIDS) abruptly  turning back into a Pumpkin.


Sunday, June 21, 2015


father’s day                       I have your body / hide & seek



I have your body
Masculinity is hidden there – in mine
In yours it’s sought it sweeps it curves with
Predicated beauty
Gracing and disgracing some men’s organs and the
Arms of certain privilege

But I still have your body
The gentle swagger in yours
A droll mince in mine
Your height is there, in moderation –
I struggle with your lows
But they amuse me – their imbibing nature                         make me love harder stronger fast
Keeps me guarded from
The speech of those detractors
Roaming streets in search of bidden gender to defile

But I have your body - to protect my gait
From  the wrath of deconstruction
It was built for you through generations of
Manly presence – by the time I received that gift
Shaded in the bough of your lover’s leafy frame              on father’s day we’ll think of her

Because I have her body too
But some see it wander mimic play -
Mince and swagger high and low
The gentle - droll foundations
Set upon the ways in which we have our bodies –

I have yours – inscribed

On mine

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

queer play                           Cawthra Park

thrashing, scurrying among rose bushes
missing thorns, oblivious to my guiding calls
suddenly sprinkler  jets jut out into the path
I shout for him to run
to be careful in this stream of prickly stems and unadulterated water spouts
austere columns invite a toddlers  twisting in and out of unintended jungle gyms
memorials flanking one side of the children’s water park and the community centre
he runs his smile wider than parental breadth
grins and thanks me for saving him from the deluge
like wild remembered smiles from those columns – the ghosted names of friends who went too soon
playgrounds bookended by a dearth of generational sway stolen from girls becoming women boys
becoming men, becoming women, becoming men - making way
for the hard won play of new queer youth and all they have to say


grave

an effeminate old man walks by the site
where they laughed at large cysts
on the side of a bald mourners head
burying faces in Nana’s seal coat
tears mistaken for bereavement
when shame from childish laughter
at the unassuming comic matrix of skull and tumor-like ball
covered in breeze swept wisps of graying hair
causes them to cry away their wild childish smiles

the soft sleek touch of a dead animal’s fur on their cheeks
as they flank their grandmother’s comforting arms as she mourns a dead sister
mistaking her grandsons’ masked glee for sadness
later they would lie, side by side in broken twin bunks toppled by the raucous
love for the sinew of their nine year old flesh and bone battling against each other
in soft little fist fights and tight wrestling arms

he taught you how to fold toilet paper in squares saving wasted tissue
for other movements  –  gave you courage in the face of his own masculinity
as it outgrew the lifelong femininity of your fey measured gait - sweet lisp of
strolling in and out of family portraits meant for gendered posterity

both boys among strong women managing men among post war tears
and the hegemonic daze of re-established prowess in a different coat
tiny rebels with unclipped claws  – unaware of the clichés that bound them
to the signifying praxis – the lazy laughter of family plots  where dead relatives lay in waiting
to tell the stories - too  afraid to share tales of other traps and snares
mingling among puzzled thoughts that mix with joy and sorrow
circling cavities containing liquid secretions – growth, blister, vesicle, bleb
pelts collated - conger eel, cuttlefish, coral - pups

in raging juvenilia - hormones leaping - they stood by graves to chuckle, weep, then lie
together aptly plying into adolescence – now he cries for unknown pasts -
there beside that dugout respite
from the playgrounds, rolls of tissue, you still long for shadows
of his stylish manhood – him for your minced swagger - one went out of fashion – flushed
through centuries of bodies laughed at through skin and bone
the sobbing  lyric limbs – limp and wan they warned them not to play with verse
but there they went – hopping skipping jumping into manhood - graveside
having left themselves behind . . .

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Pedal Extremities

Pedal Extremities                             or
                                                         honeymoon in a hot tub

cradling the ball of one foot
upon the warmth of his testicles
as they rest in his lap

big toe & long toe
gently join forces
creating gradual force

around his penis
unrequited love
like vise without grip

he suddenly rises
the ends of two toes
pinch the flesh of his sac

he flinches, smiles
sits back down
the courtship is over

 the honeymoon begins…

____________________________



Sunday, February 8, 2015



sonnets from the trampoline - 
after Elizabeth Barrett Browning













I

I thought once how my weary heart had sprung,
from the sweet fears, the queer and dishy years,

Where each one in a specious palm adheres
To manicure gay gods from portals, orifices shunned:

And, as my lips lapped up his tongue,

I felt, in gaudy frisson, by his tears,

His cheek, that tremor - mirth and folly sears -
Chosen from my long life, among the taut, well-hung
A shaded ball to cross me.  Shadows make me leer,

Branches limbs,  tawny leafless boughs behoove
Staring hearts, they tug my blanched groin by hairs;

Rapid counter tenors,  faster,  sung the groves,—
“High notes that bind thee!”—“Death,” I shriek, yet, still,

A singing hyphen sprang from meadows slung  
- castration’s hum - “No Death without love’s trampoline -
that crinoline,  those tights, that gutless drum.”

II

When threesomes in diversity converse
Hearing soft moans but nothing worse, -
Having held thread counted sheets at bay in
Titillation’s singsong dread —themselves, astride each other

The I of me stops listening! Just sighs
All three . . . in company with goddesses, . . . we brand with terse
Undarkened lashes, unrehearsed

Our sights set on monogamy’s great lie, from seeing thee,
In his repose—that if I had lied,

The heavy-hearted depths, set up, torn down, to signify what

No resolute exclusivity allows -  “Alas” ‘tis worse
 - those vows!
From Dionysian bawds in training bras
Drag Queens may sift us through their burly bars,

Oceans tempt us, rivulets will bend;

Six palms will touch our hips our thighs our songs:

Elysian cars from death, desire and streetwise ends
Bowl out between our mixed maddening request

To make ménages à trois the disbelief we shall suspend

III

The likes, the likes, O mincing heart!

Bespeaking fate and destiny.

Deities attend aghast by withered looks
That pose that other stance that thwarted wink
Passing ships bethinking night
As quests with royal countenance rub shoulders
Gaging that, then this, so many sparkling eyes.
Then tears from those who cannot play their part
As hired harpists strum, soft killing, hearts strung.
What trellis were those tissue poesies from, among
The down the out meandering in rented tux
Darkness bends upon a sequined tree
Consecrating ‘myrhh’ on hand in little vials
Life shuffles hallowed galas where we meet
Try not to leave that ugly slipper at the ball.

IV

Thongs hast slid along the sauna floor,
Once trophied bodies of the odes have fallen
Dance into new light fleeing from the glare
That braces confidence in this hypnotic lair.
The grouting, tiles, the lichen covered walls
                                    Towels toiletries HD TV - thy texts 'n calls                                    
Let down ye guard aged fellow lie with me
In holds rememb’ring fulsome arms of gold
Away, look look, away, the steam conceals
Wrinkles flesh love’s handles unrevealed
A chirrup creaks within inserted digits
Shhhh, love's fisted spoon may thee deliver

And solitude’s last warning speaks within
No more sobbing for what was never sinning’s sin

V


Feather weighted sighs and sultry grins
Becoming mourning in dire vessels that begin.
Drink up, the drops remaining can be yours,
Before the spilling starts to tarnish toes.
Look look, such loads of weatherbeaten prose,

Cocks atop veins in wind that wildy spurns 

Through flakes of dust and ash your instep heightens, turns -
Stilletos break dull tedium, and that modern talk of being purple, being rare
It may well be. Yet other strident blows 
thou takes instead -
That job where breezes come and go - Upswept, down turned
Tresses 
of discourse curl above our heads,

Beloved savant, idiotic to the extreme,

No more shielding than some sun-scorched dream
The follicles of foundations, snares, have set
Get thee to convents where on site salons beget
VI


Don’t leave. Stay. Stand still. The doorman bars you from the gate. 
Never go. My shadow will follow you - No - 
stalk is such an ugly noun: It sits in unlocked clauses, cells, waiting to be bound
Walk in, the purses, wigs, the leotards and crappy chandeliers - the Carpenter has gone - 
Boas, C cups, Madonna nightlights, buttboys crave your path and presence 
Mary, His mother, wants you to stay with me - Calmly - 
swung low in the bright red drizzle - Just like before -
 Sans that special frown you always wore -
Porphyria loves you, and that last Duchess; when your name is called in precincts - 
shudders - she doesn’t live here anymore 
but visits often and brings gifts, she loved you too.

VII


His cheek was turned when planets spun, one thought
Once in awhile his other side would smile
But stars, still shooting - as he hid that grin
Caught twixt those lips like moons, tra la - Alas
The cheek he turned was utterly half-assed
Expressions of false sorrow relied upon a legacy
Apace with maudlin revelry - cups of sweet regret
He drank the life of many with that grin
Some praised the vapid sweetness, far, and near
Some saw the wily way he handled queer
For where the shadow of that smile began
Was not the property of any man
And this . . . this smile we all loved for days before we knew
With winged devils, and their 
famed cohorts - he flew
VIII


The flowers were beheaded, the fur burned
The watch,  encrusted with the finest gems
Was pawned without a second thought - one guesses
That the chartreuse cashmere sweater was enveloped
By the same news print that held the fish and chips - 
then tossed - he took his leave through the back door

In trousers stolen from the pool boy
No thanks, no loss, no gain, no recompense
Gifts to him - expendable,  t’was cash
He rifled through the dresser drawers to find
All he found were dead ants and lady bugs
An empty can of Rolling Rock and a card from Uncle Doug
What made him think you had a penny to your name
When he smiled across that bar, high on cheap champagne
Trampled pillows in his wrecked wake recoil
Your bankrupt heart reclines on tear soaked spoils
IX


That dress you dreamt from butterflies - pretend men wed you 
In chrysalis suits - your wings askew - museum pins fell from thorax hems
the bodice old, the lace anew - Cinderella grinned -
Your smile borrowed from heaven - wearing azure - surreal blue 
Some wedding daze - unrealized, except for the hors-d'oeuvres -
Ceviche, lamb strips, arugula, lobster bisque in flutes, alphabet gazpacho -
Third vowel enveloped by two consonants in cahoots
While the density of bones would not withstand your favorite boots
Those honeycombing tablets, cocktails you cannot avoid
Knowing no one would insure you - not even Uncle Lloyd
After all he borrowed - just before his sullied liver flew him off
He asked why firm gods forsake him but they still love you -
You gazed so - placid - into puddled eyes - told him
One God loves him - flaccid - hard wrung confessions heard his cry


X

Touch me, on the broadest part of my chafed uncut stem - Pretend  - 
We are flowers, dresses, 
we depend on petals, roots, and hems
 My heart is fine when you are behind bars, yet near 
- 
Our lips queer passion’s profile, pulsating with dual throbs - 
one part romance, one part Campari as we writhe 
in wild mauve fury by that beer stained, earmarked shot
of Dali and Amanda Lear - 
What? - more bad rhymes, slanting dropped names and couplets 
like we used to do? Judge Judy left the room
but not before the threat - she’d sue 
- if I didn’t get enough of you.
I dream, peel grapes, gulp the best cheap Spinello by the jug - 
Pishaw, don’t try to stop me now, I’ll be that ten dollar pushover for any thug like you
If there was a single God instead of many 
he’d change his sex and love you back again 
Into thine eyes and drink the tears of sweetness I will chug - no, not a lug 
when ‘ere I stagger blithely back to you

XI

Indeed, that love they boast is not half bad,
Risen from adulterous breast and brow,
Both wore tiaras upon their sullied crowns
Drawing hubris from their lips and eyes,
That love they boast, the utter strength of pride,
Denying past love’s graceless fall from where
Those set poses, grafted from another couple’s bliss
Once as earnest in their love as you in yours -
That love was love - that was their due course.
Words escape as speech remains unspoken,
Broken are the hearts, the rings the tokens.
When love is good great love rushes in to dwell -
Souls rush out and fallen morals giggle
As placing love upon that single throne
Speaks for meek throats worn out by one love’s hold.

XII

Well, if love abandons all then take love’s lead
Forsake unworthy suitors with wan cheeks
Like pale roses in the winter sun
Underneath sweet atrium’s panoramic view
Exhausted violinists wander through the indoor park
Where nightingales and larks are hidden
From beloved cages spent of bars
Because the gilded frames were never stolen
From under suns less grazed by growth and pain
Renounce the face of earth you’ve come to sit on
Live still on love that never dares to writhe
Among the hothouse lilies, petals, butterflies. 













Thursday, December 11, 2014

winter haiku



when a friendship fails
Angels scatter kisses on
the tips of icebergs